🌌 Cosmic Complaints Affiliate Disclosure 🌌
The Universe’s Most Transparent Commission Policy
Where Mundane Meets Infinite in the Art of Honest Money-Making
Navigation Portal to Transparency
⚠️ UNIVERSAL TRANSPARENCY NOTICE ⚠️
ATTENTION EARTHLINGS: This affiliate disclosure is 100% serious despite being delivered with cosmic humor. We are legally required by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) to tell you about our affiliate relationships. Unlike our fictional cosmic services, this disclosure is very real and very important for your consumer protection.
The Quick Cosmic Truth (TL;DR for Busy Humans)
- YES – We use affiliate links on this website
- YES – We earn commissions when you make purchases through our links
- NO – It doesn’t cost you any extra money
- YES – This helps fund our cosmic complaint operations
- NO – We don’t recommend products we don’t believe in
- YES – We’re fully compliant with FTC guidelines
- ABSOLUTELY – We think transparency is more important than the universe’s customer service
What Are These Mysterious “Affiliate Links” Anyway?
Excellent question, cosmic citizen! Since 73.6% of humans have no idea what affiliate marketing is (according to our Department of Made-Up Statistics), let us explain in terms even a confused time traveler could understand.
When you click on certain links on our website and buy something, the company pays us a small commission. It’s like getting a cosmic finder’s fee for introducing you to products that might solve your existential problems.
Think of us as interdimensional matchmakers between you and products that might actually be useful. Unlike traditional matchmaking, we’re legally required to tell you about this arrangement upfront.
How This Differs from Our Fictional Services
While our cosmic complaint services are 100% imaginary entertainment, our affiliate relationships are very real. This means:
Real Money Stuff
Actual companies pay us actual money when you buy their actual products through our links. No interdimensional currency involved.
Real Products
The products we link to exist in this dimension and can be delivered to your physical address (not your astral plane P.O. Box).
Real Benefits
Unlike our fictional complaint resolution services, these products might actually solve some of your problems. Revolutionary!
How Our Cosmic Commission System Actually Works
Our affiliate system operates on principles we actually understand (unlike quantum mechanics or why the universe has such terrible customer service). Here’s the breakdown:
The Commission Process
CLEAR & CONSPICUOUS DISCLOSURE: When you click on affiliate links on our website and make a purchase, Cosmic Complaints receives a commission from the merchant. This commission comes at no additional cost to you – the price you pay is exactly the same whether you use our link or go directly to the merchant.
According to our Department of Actual Facts, here’s what happens when you click our affiliate links:
- You click our link: Our cosmic tracking systems (cookies, not fortune cookies) note your visit
- You browse and buy: If you purchase something, the merchant’s system recognizes you came from us
- We get paid: The merchant sends us a commission, typically 1-10% of your purchase
- Everyone wins: You get products, merchants get customers, we get coffee money
- The universe benefits: Our continued existence means more cosmic complaint services for humanity
Types of Compensation We Receive
Commission-Based
Most common type – we earn a percentage when you buy. Ranges from “barely enough for cosmic coffee” to “might afford interdimensional insurance.”
Flat Fee
Some programs pay fixed amounts per sale. Like a cosmic finder’s fee, but with more paperwork and fewer mystical elements.
Free Products
Sometimes companies send us products to review. We disclose this clearly because the FTC takes a dim view of secret product relationships.
Our Universal Promise to You (More Reliable Than Universal Healthcare)
The Department of Cosmic Ethics has developed the following promises that we actually intend to keep (unlike promises made by the universe itself):
We promise to be more transparent about our affiliate relationships than the universe is about why it allows Mondays to exist.
What We Promise
- Honest Recommendations: We only recommend products we believe could be useful, not just because they pay high commissions
- Clear Disclosures: We’ll tell you about affiliate relationships in plain language, not buried in legal jargon
- No Price Manipulation: Our affiliate relationships never affect the prices you pay
- Editorial Independence: Our cosmic judgment remains unbiased by financial incentives
- FTC Compliance: We follow all federal guidelines because we prefer cosmic jokes to federal investigations
What We DON’T Do
Hidden Relationships
We don’t hide affiliate relationships in fine print, sidebars, or parallel dimensions where you can’t see them.
Fake Reviews
We don’t create fake positive reviews just for commission money. Our Department of Authentic Opinions has strict policies.
Bait and Switch
We don’t recommend inferior products just because they pay better commissions. That would be cosmically unethical.
Our Specific Affiliate Relationships (The Complete Cosmic Directory)
In the interest of universal transparency, here are the specific affiliate programs we participate in:
AMAZON ASSOCIATES DISCLOSURE: Cosmic Complaints is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases.
Current Affiliate Partnerships
Amazon Associates
Books, gadgets, and products that might help with your cosmic complaints. Commission: 1-10% depending on product category.
Educational Platforms
Online courses that teach skills more practical than cosmic complaint filing. Commission varies by platform.
Software & Tools
Digital tools that actually work (unlike our fictional cosmic services). Commission typically 20-50% of first payment.
Web Hosting & Domains
Services to help you start your own impossible business website. Commission: $50-200 per signup.
Updated Disclosure Policy: This list may change faster than the universe’s Terms of Service. We’ll update this page whenever we join new programs or end relationships with existing ones.
FTC Compliance & Legal Stuff (More Boring Than Cosmic Bureaucracy)
The Federal Trade Commission requires us to disclose affiliate relationships clearly and conspicuously. Unlike cosmic regulations, FTC rules actually exist and have enforcement mechanisms.
Federal Trade Commission Compliance Statement
This website complies with the Federal Trade Commission’s guidelines regarding affiliate marketing disclosures. We follow the FTC’s Endorsement Guides, which require clear and conspicuous disclosure of material connections between advertisers and endorsers.
Key FTC Requirements We Follow:
- Disclosures are clear and prominent
- Disclosures are placed close to affiliate links
- Disclosures use plain language consumers can understand
- Disclosures are visible on all devices (mobile, tablet, desktop)
- Material connections are disclosed every time they exist
Your Rights as a Consumer
According to the Department of Consumer Protection (which actually exists), you have the right to:
- Know about any financial relationships that might influence our recommendations
- Make informed decisions based on complete information
- Report FTC violations if you find undisclosed affiliate relationships
- Choose whether to use our affiliate links or go directly to merchants
- Expect honest opinions regardless of commission potential
While most of Cosmic Complaints is satirical fiction, this affiliate disclosure is genuine legal compliance. We take FTC guidelines seriously, even if we don’t take ourselves seriously.
Frequently Asked Cosmic Questions About Our Affiliate Relationships
How We Disclose Affiliate Relationships Throughout Our Site
Transparency is more important to us than the universe’s privacy policy. Here’s how we ensure you always know about our affiliate relationships:
Disclosure Placement Strategy
Individual Post Disclosures
Every post containing affiliate links includes a clear disclosure at the top. No hunting through cosmic footnotes required.
Link-Specific Notifications
When possible, we mark affiliate links directly or place disclosures immediately before them. Clear and conspicuous, as the FTC demands.
Site-Wide Notifications
This comprehensive disclosure page covers all our affiliate relationships. Linked prominently from our main navigation and footer.
Social Media Compliance
Our social media posts use #affiliate or #sponsored hashtags when promoting affiliate products. Even tweets must be FTC-compliant!
“If there’s any doubt about whether we should disclose an affiliate relationship, we disclose it. Better to be overly transparent than insufficiently cosmic.”
Contact Our Department of Transparency
Questions about our affiliate relationships? Concerns about FTC compliance? Suggestions for cosmic improvements?
Email: transparency@cosmiccomplaints.com
Response Time: Much faster than our fictional cosmic services (usually within 24-48 Earth hours)
We take affiliate disclosure seriously, even if we don’t take the universe’s customer service seriously.
Changes to This Affiliate Disclosure
This disclosure may be updated more frequently than the universe updates its operating system (which is apparently never). We’ll notify you of significant changes through:
- Updated “Last Modified” date at the top of this page
- Notification in our email newsletter (if you’re subscribed to our cosmic updates)
- Prominent notice on our main website if changes are significant
- Cosmic signals visible only to interdimensional bureaucrats (just kidding – we’ll use normal communication methods)
Why Changes Happen: We may update this disclosure when we join new affiliate programs, end existing relationships, or if FTC guidelines change. Unlike cosmic regulations, FTC rules are subject to actual revision.