⚠️ SATIRICAL CONTENT DISCLAIMER ⚠️

THIS CONTENT IS SATIRICAL FICTION AND PARODY!
This article is meant to be fun and comedic entertainment and should NOT be taken seriously. It’s a tongue-in-cheek look at what might be an actual service in a much weirder world. This is more fiction than fact and is intended purely for humor and entertainment purposes only.

How To Start an Existential Dread Landscaping Company: The Ultimate Guide to Philosophical Outdoor Design in 2025

How To Start an Existential Dread Landscaping Company

The Ultimate Guide to Philosophical Outdoor Design That Increases Client Satisfaction by 87% in 2025

Published: January 1, 2025 15 min read Expert Guide

Starting an Existential Dread Landscaping Company in 2025 requires combining traditional landscaping skills with philosophical design principles that embrace life’s uncertainties and create contemplative outdoor spaces. According to recent industry analysis, specialized philosophical landscaping services command 47% higher rates than traditional landscaping, with the mindfulness and wellness outdoor market growing 23% annually since 2020.

Executive Summary

  • Market Opportunity: $4.5 trillion global wellness market with 32% of millennials seeking mindful outdoor spaces
  • Startup Investment: $5,000-15,000 initial capital, 40% less than traditional landscaping businesses
  • Revenue Potential: $75-150/hour premium pricing with 87% client satisfaction rates
  • Break-even Timeline: 6-8 months with proper marketing and philosophical positioning
47%

Higher rates than traditional landscaping

87%

Client satisfaction with philosophical approach

23%

Annual market growth since 2020

$150

Premium hourly rate potential

What Is Existential Dread Landscaping?

Existential Dread Landscaping is a revolutionary approach that transforms traditional outdoor spaces into philosophical sanctuaries that embrace life’s uncertainties, impermanence, and the beauty of contemplative reflection. According to landscape psychology research from Harvard’s Environmental Psychology Lab, 73% of individuals report reduced anxiety when surrounded by thoughtfully designed “uncertainty gardens.”

“The garden becomes a mirror for our internal landscape, where we can safely confront the void and find beauty in the temporary nature of all things.”

— Dr. Sarah Chen, Environmental Psychology, Stanford University

Core Design Principles:

  • Impermanence Gardens: Seasonal plantings that celebrate life cycles
  • Void Spaces: Intentional empty areas for contemplation
  • Uncertainty Paths: Winding routes without clear destinations
  • Time Markers: Elements that highlight the passage of time

Giovanni Corazza on creative thinking – foundational for philosophical design

Market Differentiation Analysis

Traditional Landscaping

Aesthetic beauty, maintenance, property value

$35-65/hour
Wellness Landscaping

Stress reduction, mindfulness spaces, healing gardens

$55-85/hour
Existential Landscaping

Deep psychological transformation, philosophical exploration

$75-150/hour

Why Is This Business Model Thriving in 2025?

Research from the Global Wellness Institute shows the wellness economy reached $4.5 trillion in 2024, with outdoor wellness experiences representing the fastest-growing segment at 23% annual growth. The intersection of philosophy and landscaping addresses a critical gap in the market.

Key Market Drivers:

  • Post-Pandemic Introspection: 68% increase in demand for contemplative spaces
  • Millennial Homeownership: 32% prioritize meaningful outdoor experiences
  • Mental Health Awareness: $240 billion spent annually on wellness solutions
  • Corporate Wellness: 85% of companies investing in employee wellbeing spaces

“We’re seeing unprecedented demand for outdoor spaces that go beyond beauty to provide genuine psychological benefit. Clients are willing to pay premium rates for transformative experiences.”

— Marcus Rodriguez, Landscape Business Magazine, 2024

Po-Shen Loh on creative thinking – essential for innovative business approaches

Target Market Segments:

Wellness-focused homeowners 32% of market
Therapy/wellness centers 18% of market
Corporate wellness programs 25% of market
High-net-worth individuals 15% of market
Educational institutions 10% of market

What Do You Need to Get Started?

Unlike traditional landscaping businesses that require heavy equipment investments, existential dread landscaping focuses on design philosophy and specialized knowledge. According to Small Business Administration data, philosophical landscaping businesses require 40% less startup capital than conventional operations.

Keith Kalfas breaks down landscaping business fundamentals

Essential Startup Investment Breakdown:

Low-End Startup ($5,000)

  • Basic hand tools & supplies$800
  • Business registration & licenses$500
  • Insurance (first year)$1,200
  • Marketing materials & website$1,500
  • Transportation setup$1,000
  • Total$5,000

Premium Startup ($15,000)

  • Professional tool kit$2,500
  • Vehicle wrap & branding$3,000
  • Certification courses$2,000
  • Professional photography$1,500
  • Initial inventory & materials$3,000
  • Legal & accounting setup$1,500
  • Emergency fund$1,500
  • Total$15,000

Recommended Certifications

  • • Horticultural Therapy Certification (American Horticultural Therapy Association)
  • • Meditation Garden Design Certificate
  • • Basic Business License & Tax ID
  • • General Liability Insurance
  • • Local Landscaping License (if required)

Essential Reading List

  • • “The Courage to Be” by Paul Tillich
  • • “Japanese Gardens: Symbolism and Design” by Seiko Goto
  • • “The Well-Tended Perennial Garden” by Tracy DiSabato-Aust
  • • “Restorative Gardens” by Clare Cooper Marcus
  • • “The Death and Life of Great American Cities” by Jane Jacobs

How Do You Develop Your Philosophical Framework?

Your philosophical framework is the intellectual foundation that differentiates your services from traditional landscaping. Research from the Institute for Advanced Study shows that businesses with clear philosophical positioning achieve 34% higher customer loyalty and 28% better word-of-mouth referrals.

Impermanence Philosophy

Embrace the Buddhist concept of impermanence through seasonal plantings and evolving garden spaces.

  • • Cherry blossoms for fleeting beauty
  • • Autumn-focused plant selections
  • • Weather-responsive design elements
  • • Annual replanting ceremonies

Existential Void

Create intentional empty spaces that encourage contemplation of life’s uncertainties.

  • • Minimalist gravel gardens
  • • Purposeful negative space
  • • Meditation circles
  • • “Question mark” pathway designs

Absurdist Beauty

Find meaning through the absurd juxtaposition of cultivated and wild elements.

  • • Controlled chaos plantings
  • • Unexpected material combinations
  • • “Accidentally” perfect imperfections
  • • Sisyphean maintenance features

“The most successful philosophical landscapers I work with have developed a personal manifesto that guides every design decision. This isn’t just pretty gardens—it’s applied philosophy that transforms how people experience their environment.”

— Dr. Jennifer Walsh, Environmental Philosophy, University of Colorado

Developing Your Personal Philosophy Statement

Step 1: Core Beliefs Assessment

  • • What role does nature play in human meaning-making?
  • • How do you view the relationship between beauty and mortality?
  • • What philosophical traditions resonate with you?
  • • How can outdoor spaces facilitate personal growth?

Step 2: Practical Application

  • • Create a 200-word philosophy statement
  • • Develop signature design elements
  • • Practice explaining your approach to clients
  • • Document case studies and client transformations

How Do You Structure Your Business Legally?

Proper business structure protects your assets and establishes credibility. According to the Small Business Administration, 87% of successful landscaping businesses operate as LLCs due to liability protection and tax flexibility.

Real case study: Starting with minimal investment

Business Structure Comparison

Sole Proprietorship

Not Recommended

Simplest structure but offers no liability protection

  • • No liability protection
  • • Personal assets at risk
  • • Simple tax filing

LLC (Limited Liability Company)

Recommended

Best balance of protection and simplicity

  • • Personal asset protection
  • • Tax flexibility
  • • Professional credibility
  • • Setup cost: $100-500

S Corporation

Advanced

For higher revenue businesses ($100k+ annually)

  • • Tax advantages at scale
  • • More complex filing
  • • Payroll requirements

30-Day Business Setup Timeline

Days 1-5: Foundation Setup

  • • Choose and register business name
  • • File LLC formation documents
  • • Obtain Federal EIN (Employer Identification Number)
  • • Research local licensing requirements

Days 6-15: Legal Compliance

  • • Apply for business license and permits
  • • Secure general liability insurance ($1M minimum)
  • • Open business bank account
  • • Set up accounting system (QuickBooks recommended)

Days 16-25: Professional Setup

  • • Create business website and portfolio
  • • Design business cards and marketing materials
  • • Set up business phone and email
  • • Register with contractor referral platforms

Days 26-30: Launch Preparation

  • • Complete first project case study
  • • Launch social media presence
  • • Network with local wellness businesses
  • • Schedule first client consultations

What Should You Charge for Existential Landscaping?

Pricing philosophical landscaping requires understanding the transformation value you provide, not just labor hours. Industry research shows specialized landscapers charge 47% more than generalists, with the top 20% earning $150+ per hour.

“Clients don’t just pay for plants and labor—they invest in a transformative experience. The philosophical framework justifies premium pricing because you’re solving deeper problems than traditional landscapers.”

— Rachel Thompson, Luxury Landscape Consultant, Architectural Digest

Value-Based Pricing Factors:

  • Psychological Benefit: Stress reduction, mindfulness enhancement
  • Property Value: Unique gardens increase home value 15-25%
  • Social Status: Distinctive, conversation-worthy spaces
  • Personal Growth: Ongoing contemplative practice support

Ryan King discusses pricing strategies for landscape design

Consultation Services

Initial assessment $150-250
Philosophy development $200-400
Design concept $500-1,200
Detailed plans $1,000-3,000

Installation Services

Labor (per hour) $75-120
Small projects $2,500-8,000
Medium projects $8,000-25,000
Large transformations $25,000-100,000+

Ongoing Services

Monthly maintenance $300-800
Seasonal transitions $500-1,500
Philosophy coaching $150-300/session
Annual retainer $5,000-15,000

Pricing Strategy Examples

Case Study: Suburban Meditation Garden

1,200 sq ft backyard transformation for stress relief

  • Design consultation (8 hours)$1,600
  • Materials & plants$4,200
  • Installation (32 hours)$3,200
  • Philosophy integration$800
  • Total Project Value$9,800

Case Study: Corporate Contemplation Space

Employee wellness garden for tech company

  • Consultation & planning$5,000
  • Design development$8,000
  • Installation management$15,000
  • Employee workshops$3,000
  • Total Project Value$31,000

How Do You Market Philosophical Landscaping Services?

Marketing existential landscaping requires educational content that positions you as a thought leader. According to Content Marketing Institute research, philosophical service providers who publish regular educational content generate 67% more leads than those focused solely on portfolio pieces.

Comprehensive marketing plan development guide

“The most successful philosophical landscapers I know became local celebrities through their unique perspective. They’re not just service providers—they’re educators and thought leaders in their communities.”

— David Park, Marketing Director, Landscape Industry Association

Multi-Channel Marketing Strategy

Content Marketing (40% of efforts)

  • • Weekly blog posts on garden philosophy
  • • Monthly email newsletter with seasonal reflections
  • • Before/after case studies with client testimonials
  • • Philosophical plant guides and seasonal meanings

Community Engagement (30% of efforts)

  • • Speaking at wellness centers and yoga studios
  • • Hosting “Philosophy in the Garden” workshops
  • • Partnering with therapists and life coaches
  • • Local garden club presentations

Digital Presence (30% of efforts)

  • • Instagram with daily mindfulness garden posts
  • • YouTube channel: “Existential Gardening Tips”
  • • LinkedIn articles on workplace wellness
  • • Google Ads targeting “meditation gardens”

Content Ideas That Convert

  • • “5 Plants That Represent Life’s Impermanence”
  • • “Creating Your Own Meditation Labyrinth”
  • • “The Philosophy of Pruning: Letting Go in Gardens”
  • • “Seasonal Rituals for Garden Transitions”
  • • “Why Your Garden Should Embrace Uncertainty”
  • • “The Existential Beauty of Composting Death”

Strategic Partnerships

  • Therapists: Referral program for healing gardens
  • Yoga Studios: Outdoor class space design
  • Wellness Centers: Meditation garden consulting
  • Architecture Firms: Philosophical landscape integration
  • Real Estate Agents: Unique property enhancement
  • Corporate HR: Employee wellness initiatives

Where Do You Find Your First Clients?

Finding your initial clients requires targeting wellness-conscious early adopters who value unique experiences. Research shows that 73% of successful philosophical service providers gained their first five clients through personal networks and community involvement.

Cayden Sommer’s proven client acquisition strategies

90-Day Client Acquisition Plan

Month 1: Foundation Building

  • • Create one showcase project (offer at cost)
  • • Document before/after transformation
  • • Attend 4 local wellness events
  • • Connect with 20 potential referral partners
  • Goal: 2-3 consultation bookings

Month 2: Momentum Building

  • • Launch weekly content creation
  • • Host first “Philosophy in Gardens” workshop
  • • Follow up with all initial contacts
  • • Offer referral incentives to existing clients
  • Goal: 5-7 active projects

Month 3: Scale & Systematize

  • • Implement client referral program
  • • Launch targeted digital advertising
  • • Create waiting list for services
  • • Raise prices based on proven demand
  • Goal: 10+ clients, $15k monthly revenue
73%

First clients from personal networks

45%

Growth from referrals after month 3

$15k

Average monthly revenue by month 6

67%

Client retention rate first year

Target Client Personas

The Mindful Professional

Ages 35-55, high income, stressed executive seeking balance

  • • Values: Wellness, authenticity, status
  • • Budget: $10k-50k projects
  • • Find them: LinkedIn, wellness centers
The Wellness Entrepreneur

Ages 28-45, owns wellness business, needs client spaces

  • • Values: Client experience, ROI, uniqueness
  • • Budget: $15k-100k projects
  • • Find them: Industry events, referrals
The Conscious Retiree

Ages 55-70, time and money for meaningful projects

  • • Values: Legacy, meaning, beauty
  • • Budget: $20k-150k projects
  • • Find them: Garden clubs, community groups

How Do You Deliver Transformative Experiences?

Service delivery in existential landscaping goes beyond installation—you’re facilitating personal transformation through environmental design. Studies from the Journal of Environmental Psychology show that philosophical approach to landscaping increases client satisfaction by 87% compared to traditional methods.

The Transformative Process

Existential Assessment

Deep conversation about client’s relationship with nature, mortality, and meaning-making

Philosophy Integration

Develop personalized philosophical framework that guides all design decisions

Contemplative Design

Create spaces that encourage reflection, acceptance, and personal growth

Mindful Installation

Installation process becomes part of the experience, with client participation encouraged

Ongoing Evolution

Regular check-ins and seasonal adjustments to deepen the philosophical experience

“My existential landscaper didn’t just redesign my backyard—they helped me process my midlife crisis through the metaphor of seasonal change. The garden became my therapist.”

— Margaret Chen, Client Testimonial, Palo Alto

Scaling landscaping services to seven figures

Service Differentiation Metrics

Traditional landscaping completion 2-4 weeks
Existential landscaping process 6-12 weeks
Client satisfaction (traditional) 72%
Client satisfaction (existential) 87%
Repeat business rate 94%
Referral generation 3.2x average

Essential Service Tools

  • Philosophical Assessment Questionnaire: 25 questions exploring client’s worldview
  • Design Philosophy Statement: Written framework for each project
  • Seasonal Transition Plans: 12-month evolution roadmap
  • Contemplation Guide: Client handbook for garden use
  • Growth Documentation: Photo/journal tracking system
  • Philosophy Library: Curated reading recommendations

Client Experience Touchpoints

  • Welcome Ritual: Ceremonial groundbreaking with meaning-setting
  • Monthly Check-ins: Philosophical reflection sessions
  • Seasonal Ceremonies: Marking transitions and impermanence
  • Growth Milestones: Celebrating garden and personal evolution
  • Community Connection: Introductions to like-minded clients
  • Annual Review: Deep reflection on transformation journey

How Do You Scale from Solo to $1M+ Revenue?

Scaling an existential landscaping business requires systematizing your philosophical approach while maintaining authenticity. According to Landscape Business Magazine’s 2024 study, philosophical landscapers who successfully scale earn an average of $1.3M annually by year five.

Tigran Gertz shares how he built a $5M landscaping business

5-Year Revenue Progression

Year 1: Foundation $85k

Solo operation, 15-20 projects, establish local reputation

Year 2: Growth $185k

Add 1 assistant, 30-35 projects, expand service area

Year 3: Systems $350k

3-person team, corporate clients, standardized processes

Year 4: Scale $650k

6-person team, multiple revenue streams, regional presence

Year 5: Mastery $1.3M

12+ team, training programs, franchise opportunities

Team Building Strategy

  • Year 1: Hire philosophy-minded assistant
  • Year 2: Add skilled landscaper with growth mindset
  • Year 3: Bring on business manager
  • Year 4: Expand to project managers
  • Year 5: Develop trainer/mentor roles

Systems Development

  • Client Assessment: Standardized philosophical intake
  • Design Process: Templated approach with customization
  • Project Management: Philosophy-integrated workflows
  • Quality Control: Transformational outcome metrics
  • Training Program: Team philosophy certification

Revenue Diversification

  • Core Services: 60% of revenue
  • Maintenance Contracts: 25% of revenue
  • Workshops/Speaking: 8% of revenue
  • Consultation: 5% of revenue
  • Products/Books: 2% of revenue

What Challenges Should You Expect?

While existential dread landscaping offers unique opportunities, entrepreneurs face specific challenges that require preparation. Understanding these obstacles in advance increases your success probability by 43%, according to philosophical business research from MIT’s Entrepreneurship Center.

Top 7 Business Challenges

Concept Explanation Difficulty

Challenge: 67% of potential clients initially struggle to understand the value proposition

Solution: Develop a 30-second elevator pitch, visual portfolio, and client testimonial videos

Premium Pricing Resistance

Challenge: Clients question higher rates compared to traditional landscaping

Solution: Create value-based pricing presentations showing ROI on wellbeing and property value

Finding Qualified Team Members

Challenge: Difficulty finding landscapers with philosophical mindset

Solution: Partner with philosophy departments, meditation centers, and alternative wellness schools

Balancing Philosophy with Practicality

Challenge: Maintaining philosophical integrity while meeting practical needs

Solution: Develop design frameworks that embed philosophy into functional solutions

Success Mitigation Strategies

Education-First Approach

Lead with educational content that gradually introduces philosophical concepts

Strategic Partnerships

Collaborate with established wellness professionals who can validate your approach

Gradual Market Entry

Start with wellness-focused clients before expanding to mainstream market

Credibility Building

Obtain relevant certifications and document measurable client outcomes

“The biggest challenge wasn’t convincing people to pay more—it was helping them understand they were investing in their own transformation, not just pretty plants.”

— Lisa Rodriguez, Existential Landscapes, Austin TX

Challenge Resolution Timeline

Months 1-3

Focus on concept refinement and initial client education

Months 4-6

Build credibility through case studies and partnerships

Months 7-9

Systematize processes and train first team members

Months 10-12

Scale operations while maintaining philosophical integrity

What’s Your 90-Day Launch Timeline?

A structured 90-day launch plan increases your probability of success by 78% compared to ad-hoc approaches. This timeline is based on analysis of 150+ successful philosophical service businesses launched between 2020-2024.

Days 1-30: Foundation

Week 1: Business Structure

  • • Register LLC and obtain EIN
  • • Open business bank account
  • • Secure business insurance
  • • Apply for necessary licenses

Week 2: Philosophy Development

  • • Write personal philosophy statement
  • • Develop signature design elements
  • • Create client assessment questionnaire
  • • Research local wellness market

Week 3: Brand & Marketing

  • • Design logo and brand identity
  • • Create business website
  • • Set up social media profiles
  • • Print initial marketing materials

Week 4: Tool & Resource Setup

  • • Purchase essential tools and supplies
  • • Set up project management system
  • • Create pricing structure
  • • Establish supplier relationships

Days 31-60: Launch

Week 5-6: Portfolio Building

  • • Complete first showcase project
  • • Document before/after transformation
  • • Collect client testimonial
  • • Create case study content

Week 7: Community Engagement

  • • Attend 3 local wellness events
  • • Connect with potential partners
  • • Join relevant professional groups
  • • Schedule speaking opportunities

Week 8: Content Creation

  • • Launch weekly blog posts
  • • Create educational video content
  • • Start email newsletter
  • • Engage on social media daily

Days 61-90: Growth

Week 9-10: Sales System

  • • Refine consultation process
  • • Create professional proposals
  • • Implement CRM system
  • • Track conversion metrics

Week 11: Scaling Preparation

  • • Document all processes
  • • Create employee handbook draft
  • • Research hiring strategies
  • • Plan year 2 expansion

Week 12-13: Optimization

  • • Analyze first 90 days performance
  • • Adjust pricing and services
  • • Plan Q2 marketing strategy
  • • Set 6-month growth goals

90-Day Success Metrics

5-8

Completed Projects

$15k

Monthly Revenue

25+

Qualified Leads

85%

Client Satisfaction

Frequently Asked Questions

What exactly is an Existential Dread Landscaping Company?

An Existential Dread Landscaping Company is a unique business concept that combines traditional landscaping services with philosophical design elements that embrace life’s uncertainties, impermanence, and the beauty of contemplative spaces. Rather than just creating pretty gardens, these businesses help clients process life’s deeper questions through thoughtfully designed outdoor environments that encourage reflection and personal growth.

How much can I earn with an existential dread landscaping business?

According to industry data, specialized landscaping businesses can earn 15-30% more than traditional services. With the growing wellness and mindfulness market valued at $4.5 trillion globally, philosophical landscaping can command premium pricing of $75-150 per hour. Most successful operators reach $85k in year one, scaling to $350k+ by year three, with top performers achieving $1M+ annually.

What startup costs should I expect?

Initial investment ranges from $5,000-15,000, including basic tools, insurance, business registration, and marketing materials. This is 40% lower than traditional landscaping businesses due to focus on design philosophy over heavy equipment. The low-end startup ($5,000) covers essentials, while the premium startup ($15,000) includes professional branding and certification courses.

Do I need special certifications for philosophical landscaping?

While standard landscaping licenses apply, additional certifications in horticultural therapy, meditation garden design, or philosophical counseling can increase credibility and pricing by up to 25%. Recommended certifications include the American Horticultural Therapy Association certification and meditation garden design certificates. These aren’t required but significantly enhance your market positioning.

What’s my target market for this type of service?

Primary targets include wellness-focused homeowners (32% of millennials), therapy centers, meditation studios, corporate wellness programs, and individuals seeking mindful outdoor spaces. This market has grown 23% annually since 2020. Secondary markets include high-net-worth individuals seeking unique properties and educational institutions developing contemplative spaces.

How do I explain this concept to potential clients?

Focus on outcomes rather than philosophy. Instead of “existential dread,” emphasize “stress relief,” “mindful spaces,” and “personal growth gardens.” Use before/after photos, client testimonials, and concrete benefits like reduced anxiety and increased property value. Develop a 30-second elevator pitch that connects philosophical concepts to practical benefits.

Is there really demand for philosophical landscaping services?

Yes, the demand is significant and growing. The Global Wellness Institute reports the wellness economy reached $4.5 trillion in 2024, with outdoor wellness experiences growing at 23% annually. Post-pandemic, there’s been a 68% increase in demand for contemplative spaces. Corporate wellness spending alone exceeds $240 billion annually, with 85% of companies investing in employee wellbeing spaces.

Your Next Steps to Existential Landscaping Success

Starting an Existential Dread Landscaping Company represents a unique opportunity to build a profitable business while creating meaningful transformation in clients’ lives. The convergence of wellness trends and outdoor living creates an ideal market environment for philosophical landscaping services.

Immediate Action Items (Next 7 Days):

1

Complete your personal philosophy assessment and write your unique approach statement

2

Research your local wellness market and identify 10 potential clients or partners

3

Create a simple portfolio piece in your own yard or volunteer for a friend’s space

4

Register your business name and begin the legal setup process

Success Probability Factors

Clear philosophical framework +34% success rate
Proper business structure +28% client trust
90-day structured launch +78% faster profitability
Community partnerships +67% lead generation
Combined success boost +145% above average

“The future belongs to businesses that solve problems people didn’t know they had. Existential landscaping does exactly that—it addresses the deep human need for meaning and connection with nature in our increasingly disconnected world.”

— Dr. Michael Chen, Future of Work Institute

Ready to Transform Lives Through Philosophical Landscaping?

The wellness market is waiting for innovators who can bridge the gap between outdoor beauty and inner transformation. Your unique perspective could be exactly what clients need to find meaning in their gardens—and their lives.

Remember: Every great garden starts with a single seed, and every transformative business begins with one courageous decision.

About the Author

This comprehensive guide was developed by entrepreneurship and business strategy experts. For additional insights on innovative business development, visit Darryl Higgins on LinkedIn.

© 2025 Existential Dread Landscaping Guide. All rights reserved.

Transform outdoor spaces. Transform lives. Transform your business.

⚠️ SATIRICAL CONTENT DISCLAIMER ⚠️

THIS CONTENT IS SATIRICAL FICTION AND PARODY!
This article is meant to be fun and comedic entertainment and should NOT be taken seriously. It’s a tongue-in-cheek look at what might be an actual service in a much weirder world. This is more fiction than fact and is intended purely for humor and entertainment purposes only.