🔒 Privacy Policy 🔒
The Universe’s Most Transparent Data Protection Department
Where Your Privacy Meets Infinite Bureaucracy Since 2025
⚠️ INTERDIMENSIONAL PRIVACY NOTICE ⚠️
ATTENTION DATA SUBJECTS: This Privacy Policy is simultaneously the most comprehensive and most honest privacy document in the known universe. Unlike other cosmic entities that collect your data in secret, we openly admit to cataloguing your existential complaints, temporal coordinates, and sock-related grievances. Your privacy is protected by quantum encryption that even we don’t understand. Last updated: Whenever reality glitched last.
Executive Summary from the Department of Cosmic Data Protection
- Zero successful data breaches across all dimensions (we lost the data before anyone could steal it)
- Your information is stored in the safest place possible: the void between realities
- We collect less data than your toaster but more than your pet goldfish
- Compliance rate with universal privacy laws: 42% (the answer to everything)
- Contact us at: hello@cosmiccomplaints.com for all privacy-related cosmic emergencies
📋 Table of Contents
- 1. What Information We Collect From the Cosmos
- 2. How We Use Your Interdimensional Data
- 3. Cookies and Cosmic Tracking Technologies
- 4. Third-Party Universal Services
- 5. Quantum Data Security Measures
- 6. Your Cosmic Privacy Rights
- 7. GDPR Galactic Compliance
- 8. CCPA Cosmic California Rights
- 9. International Dimension Transfer
- 10. Data Retention Across Space-Time
- 11. Privacy for Young Time Travelers
- 12. Policy Updates from Headquarters
- 13. Contact the Privacy Department
1. What Information We Collect From the Cosmos
Welcome to the most honest data collection policy in the multiverse. The Department of Cosmic Data Harvesting (Division of Mostly Harmless Information Gathering) has been tracking universal complaints since the Big Bang, but only started caring about privacy in 2025 when lawyers evolved.
Data Points Collected Across All Realities
Personal Information We Collect
🆔 Identity Information
Your name, email address, interdimensional coordinates, and preferred method of complaining to the void. We also collect your pet’s name because it helps us understand your emotional state when filing cosmic grievances.
📧 Contact Information
Email addresses, phone numbers, astral projection frequencies, and telepathic wavelengths. If you contact us through carrier pigeon, we collect the pigeon’s employment history.
🧠 Psychological Profiles
Your frustration levels, existential crisis frequency, and tendency to blame the universe for your problems. This data helps us route your complaints to the appropriate Department of Cosmic Indifference.
🌍 Location Data
Your physical location, spiritual location, and current dimension. We also track which parallel universe version of you is the most successful (spoiler: it’s not this one).
💻 Technical Information
Device information, browser type, operating system, and how many times you’ve rage-quit the internet today. We collect this to ensure our complaint forms work across all realities.
🔍 Usage Data
Which impossible services you browse, how long you spend reading our absurd solutions, and whether you actually believe any of this might work. Spoiler alert: we know you do.
Information We DON’T Collect
- Your social security number (we have our own numbering system based on cosmic significance)
- Credit card information (we only accept payment in existential dread)
- Biometric data (your aura is already on file with the Universe)
- Your browser history (we assume it’s embarrassing)
- Information from children under 13 (they haven’t developed proper complaint skills yet)
2. How We Use Your Interdimensional Data
The Bureau of Information Utilization (Subdivision of Actually Doing Something With All This Data) employs a team of quantum analysts who definitely exist and have legitimate degrees from accredited universities in dimensions where those universities matter.
Primary Uses of Your Information
🎯 Service Delivery
To provide you with our completely fictional but highly entertaining services. Your data helps us match you with the most appropriate impossible solution to your cosmic complaints.
📞 Communication Services
To respond to your inquiries, complaints about our complaints service, and desperate pleas for actual help. Response time: 3-5 business millennia.
📊 Analytics & Improvement
To understand which complaints are most popular across dimensions and improve our service delivery. Current leading complaint: “Why do socks disappear in the dryer?”
🛡️ Security & Fraud Prevention
To protect against fraudulent complaints (we’ve had issues with time travelers filing complaints before problems occur) and ensure only legitimate cosmic grievances are processed.
📢 Marketing Communications
To send you updates about new impossible services, cosmic complaint trends, and notifications when we finally solve someone’s problem (estimated date: never).
⚖️ Legal Compliance
To comply with laws across all known dimensions, including the Universal Right to Complain Act of ∞ and the Interdimensional Privacy Regulation (IPR).
Data Processing Legal Basis (GDPR Compliance)
- Consent: When you voluntarily submit complaints to the universe
- Legitimate Interest: Our legitimate interest in cataloguing reality’s design flaws
- Contract Performance: To fulfill our cosmic service agreements (written in invisible ink)
- Legal Obligation: When required by Universal Data Protection Laws
- Vital Interest: To protect the integrity of the space-time continuum
4. Third-Party Universal Services
The Bureau of External Cosmic Partnerships (Division of Services We Don’t Actually Control) works with various third-party entities across multiple dimensions to provide you with the most comprehensive impossible service experience possible.
Service Providers We Work With
☁️ Cloud Storage Providers
We store your data with AWS, Google Cloud, and several interdimensional storage solutions that exist in the space between spaces. Your complaints are backed up across multiple realities for maximum redundancy.
📧 Email Service Providers
We use Mailchimp, SendGrid, and carrier pigeons to deliver our communications. Some messages may be delayed due to temporal anomalies or pigeon union strikes.
💳 Payment Processors
While we primarily accept payment in existential dread, we also work with PayPal and Stripe for those who insist on using primitive monetary systems.
📊 Analytics Platforms
Google Analytics, Hotjar, and our custom Quantum Analytics Platform track user behavior across all possible timeline variations of your visit.
🎨 Content Delivery Networks
Cloudflare and AWS CloudFront ensure our content loads quickly across all dimensions, though loading times may vary based on local gravitational fields.
🔐 Security Services
We employ multiple security providers to protect against cyber threats, interdimensional hackers, and time travelers attempting to change their past complaints.
Data Sharing Principles
- We only share data necessary for service provision
- All third parties are contractually bound to protect your privacy
- We don’t sell your personal information (it’s not worth much anyway)
- Data sharing complies with all applicable privacy laws across dimensions
- We maintain a list of all third parties who have access to your data
5. Quantum Data Security Measures
The Department of Impossible Security (Security Through Obscurity Division) employs cutting-edge protection methods that combine traditional cybersecurity with quantum mechanics and pure cosmic force to protect your data from threats both digital and metaphysical.
Successful Data Breaches (We Lost the Data Before Anyone Could Steal It)
Our Multi-Dimensional Security Approach
🔐 Quantum Encryption
Your data is encrypted using quantum algorithms that exist in superposition – simultaneously encrypted and unencrypted until observed by authorized personnel.
🛡️ Cosmic Firewalls
Our firewalls are powered by the heat of dying stars and protected by the collective indifference of the universe itself. No hacker can penetrate our cosmic barriers.
🔑 Multi-Factor Authentication
Access requires something you know, something you have, something you are, and proof of your existential worthiness. The final factor involves solving a philosophical paradox.
💾 Secure Data Centers
Our servers are housed in facilities located in the space between dimensions, protected by temporal loops and staffed by security guards who definitely exist.
🔄 Regular Security Audits
Our security is audited by certified professionals from the Galactic Security Council and reviewed by entities whose names cannot be pronounced in human languages.
⚡ Incident Response
In case of a security breach, our response team can travel backwards in time to prevent the incident from occurring, though this may create paradoxes.
What We Do to Protect Your Data
- All data transmissions are encrypted using TLS 1.3 and cosmic radiation
- Regular security updates across all systems and dimensions
- Employee training on data protection and interdimensional security
- Continuous monitoring for suspicious activities and reality glitches
- Backup systems across multiple universes for data redundancy
- Physical security measures including laser grids and existential barriers
Data Breach Notification
In the unlikely event of a data breach, we will notify affected users within 72 hours via email, telepathic communication, or messages written in the stars. We maintain detailed incident response procedures and work with cosmic law enforcement to investigate any security incidents.
6. Your Cosmic Privacy Rights
The Universal Bill of Digital Rights (As Amended by the Council of Interdimensional Privacy) grants you extensive rights over your personal data, regardless of which dimension you currently inhabit or how many parallel versions of yourself exist.
Your Fundamental Privacy Rights
📋 Right to Access
You can request a copy of all personal data we hold about you, including data about your parallel universe counterparts. We’ll provide this in a format readable by humans or your preferred species.
✏️ Right to Rectification
If your data is inaccurate or incomplete, you can request corrections. This includes updating your existential status, complaint preferences, and interdimensional contact information.
🗑️ Right to Erasure
Also known as the “right to be forgotten,” you can request deletion of your personal data. Note: Complete erasure may cause temporal paradoxes if your complaints have already influenced cosmic policy.
⏸️ Right to Restrict Processing
You can limit how we process your data while we resolve disputes or verify information. Your complaints will be placed in cosmic stasis until processing restrictions are lifted.
📤 Right to Portability
You can request your data in a portable format to transfer to another cosmic complaint service (though none exist). We’ll provide your data in JSON, XML, or interpretive dance format.
🚫 Right to Object
You can object to certain types of data processing, including marketing communications and automated decision-making by our quantum algorithms.
How to Exercise Your Rights
🔗 Contact Our Privacy Department
Email: hello@cosmiccomplaints.com
Subject Line: “Privacy Rights Request – [Your Dimension]”
Response Time: 30 days (or 30 years, depending on cosmic bureaucracy workload)
Verification Process
To protect your privacy, we may need to verify your identity before processing rights requests. This may involve confirming your interdimensional coordinates, favorite type of cosmic complaint, or having you complete a quiz about your own existential crises.
No Cost for Most Requests
Most privacy rights requests are free, though we reserve the right to charge reasonable fees for excessive or manifestly unfounded requests. Payment accepted in standard currency or cosmic significance points.
7. GDPR Galactic Compliance
The General Data Protection Regulation (Galactic Edition) applies to all residents of the European Union and its 47 affiliated dimensions. As a responsible cosmic entity, we fully comply with GDPR requirements across all parallel realities.
🌍 Our GDPR Commitments
- Lawful Basis: We only process data when we have a valid legal basis under GDPR
- Data Minimization: We collect only the data necessary for our cosmic services
- Purpose Limitation: Your data is used only for stated purposes
- Accuracy: We maintain accurate and up-to-date information
- Storage Limitation: Data is kept only as long as necessary
- Security: Appropriate technical and organizational measures protect your data
- Accountability: We can demonstrate compliance with all GDPR principles
Data Protection Officer
Our Data Protection Officer can be reached at hello@cosmiccomplaints.com for all GDPR-related inquiries. They exist in a quantum state between helpful and bureaucratic until observed.
Supervisory Authority
If you’re not satisfied with our response to your privacy concerns, you can contact your local data protection authority or the Galactic Privacy Enforcement Council (jurisdiction varies by dimension).
8. CCPA Cosmic California Rights
The California Consumer Privacy Act (Cosmic Edition) grants specific rights to California residents and beings from California-adjacent dimensions. We extend these rights to all California-style entities regardless of their dimensional coordinates.
🌟 Your CCPA Rights Include
- Right to Know: What personal information we collect and how it’s used
- Right to Delete: Request deletion of your personal information
- Right to Opt-Out: Opt-out of the sale of personal information (we don’t sell data anyway)
- Right to Non-Discrimination: We won’t discriminate for exercising CCPA rights
- Right to Correct: Request correction of inaccurate personal information
- Right to Limit: Limit use and disclosure of sensitive personal information
Do Not Sell My Information
We do not sell personal information to third parties. However, if we ever start selling data, we’ll prominently display a “Do Not Sell My Personal Information” link that actually works (unlike some websites).
Authorized Agents
You can designate an authorized agent to submit CCPA requests on your behalf. Agents must provide proof of authorization and may need to verify their existence across multiple dimensions.
9. International Dimension Transfer
The Department of Cross-Dimensional Data Flow (International Transport Division) carefully manages the transfer of personal data across borders, dimensions, and realities in accordance with applicable international privacy laws.
🌐 International Transfer Safeguards
🛡️ Adequacy Decisions
We transfer data to countries with adequate privacy protections as determined by the European Commission and the Intergalactic Privacy Council.
📋 Standard Contractual Clauses
When transferring data to countries without adequacy decisions, we use Standard Contractual Clauses approved by cosmic authorities.
🏢 Binding Corporate Rules
Our internal policies ensure consistent data protection standards across all our interdimensional offices and subsidiary entities.
🔐 Additional Safeguards
We implement additional technical and organizational measures to protect data during international transfers, including quantum encryption and temporal barriers.
Where Your Data May Be Transferred
Your personal data may be transferred to and processed in countries including the United States, Canada, the European Union, and several dimensions that exist outside traditional geographical boundaries. All transfers comply with applicable privacy laws and regulations.
10. Data Retention Across Space-Time
The Bureau of Temporal Data Management (Archives Division) maintains strict policies about how long we keep your personal information, balancing your privacy rights with our cosmic record-keeping responsibilities.
Years We Keep Most Data (Plus or Minus Several Millennia)
⏰ Retention Periods by Data Type
| Data Type | Retention Period | Reason | Cosmic Significance |
|---|---|---|---|
| Account Information | 7 years after account closure | Legal requirements | Medium (may affect parallel timelines) |
| Complaint Records | Permanent (archived) | Historical cosmic significance | High (essential for universe improvement) |
| Communication Logs | 3 years | Customer service quality | Low (mostly complaints about our service) |
| Website Analytics | 2 years | Performance optimization | Very Low (helps load pages faster) |
| Marketing Data | Until consent withdrawn | Communication preferences | Negligible (it’s mostly ads for fake services) |
Automated Deletion
Our quantum data management systems automatically delete personal information when retention periods expire, unless legal holds or cosmic significance require longer retention. Some data may persist in backup systems for up to an additional 90 days across multiple dimensions.
Manual Deletion Requests
You can request earlier deletion of your personal data by contacting us at hello@cosmiccomplaints.com. We’ll honor such requests unless we have legitimate reasons for continued retention under applicable privacy laws.
11. Privacy for Young Time Travelers
The Department of Juvenile Cosmic Rights (Child Protection Division) takes special care to protect the privacy of children under 13 and young beings from dimensions where age is measured differently.
👶 Children’s Privacy Protections
- We do not knowingly collect personal information from children under 13
- Our services are designed for adults who have developed proper complaint skills
- If we discover we’ve collected child data, we delete it immediately
- Parents can contact us to review, delete, or stop collection of their child’s information
- We comply with COPPA and similar children’s privacy laws across dimensions
Age Verification
We use advanced age detection algorithms that can identify beings under 13 across multiple species and dimensional aging systems. These systems are powered by quantum uncertainty and cosmic wisdom.
Parental Controls
Parents and guardians can contact us at hello@cosmiccomplaints.com to exercise rights on behalf of their children, including requesting access, correction, or deletion of their child’s information.
12. Policy Updates from Headquarters
The Department of Policy Evolution (Change Management Division) regularly reviews and updates this Privacy Policy to reflect changes in our services, legal requirements, and cosmic regulations.
📅 How We Handle Updates
Current Version: 2.3.5 (Reality Compatibility Update)
Last Updated: August 23, 2025
Next Review: When the universe demands it
🔄 Update Notification Methods
📧 Email Notifications
For material changes, we’ll email all active users at least 30 days before the changes take effect (or 30 years if cosmic mail is delayed).
🌐 Website Notices
We’ll post prominent notices on our website about significant policy changes, including quantum pop-ups that exist in multiple dimensions simultaneously.
📱 In-App Notifications
Users of our mobile app (when we build one) will receive push notifications about important privacy policy updates directly to their consciousness.
🌟 Cosmic Announcements
Major changes may be announced via messages written in star formations, though these take 4-6 billion years to become visible from Earth.
What Constitutes a Material Change
Material changes include new types of data collection, changes to data sharing practices, modifications to your rights, or alterations to our fundamental approach to privacy protection. Minor updates like typo corrections or clarifications don’t require advance notification.
Version History
We maintain a complete history of all privacy policy versions in our Cosmic Archives. Previous versions can be accessed by traveling backwards in time or submitting a formal request to our Department of Historical Documentation.
13. Contact the Privacy Department
The Customer Communication Division (Department of Actually Responding to People) is available to address your privacy questions, concerns, and cosmic complaints about our privacy practices.
📞 Primary Contact Information
Email: hello@cosmiccomplaints.com
Subject Line Format: “Privacy Inquiry – [Your Dimension] – [Topic]”
Response Time: 3-5 business days (unless dealing with temporal anomalies)
Languages: English, Universal Translator Compatible, Interpretive Dance
🎯 What to Include in Your Privacy Request
- Your full name and email address used with our services
- Clear description of your privacy request or concern
- Your current dimensional coordinates (if applicable)
- Any relevant account or complaint reference numbers
- Proof of identity (interdimensional ID accepted)
Alternative Contact Methods
If email doesn’t work in your dimension, you can also reach us through:
📮 Cosmic Mail
Send physical letters to our interdimensional postal box. Delivery time varies based on local space-time conditions and postal service efficiency.
🧠 Telepathic Communication
Direct your thoughts to frequency 42.7 MHz while focusing on privacy concerns. Our telepathic operators are standing by (mentally).
🕊️ Carrier Pigeon
Our trained cosmic pigeons can deliver privacy requests across vast distances. Please ensure your pigeon is equipped for interdimensional travel.
⚡ Emergency Privacy Hotline
For urgent privacy emergencies only. Dial 1-800-PRIVACY and ask for the Department of Immediate Cosmic Response. Wait times may exceed several eons.
Privacy Complaint Resolution Process
We take all privacy concerns seriously and follow a structured resolution process:
- Day 1-3: Initial review and acknowledgment of your request
- Day 4-14: Investigation by our privacy specialists across multiple dimensions
- Day 15-28: Implementation of resolution and communication of results
- Day 29-30: Follow-up to ensure satisfaction with resolution
- Beyond Day 30: Escalation to cosmic authorities if needed