🌌 Terms of Service 🌌

1.1 Binding Agreement Across Space-Time

By accessing Cosmic Complaints (the “Service”), filing any complaint with the universe, or simply contemplating the absurdity of existence, you (“User,” “Complainant,” or “Cosmic Citizen”) enter into a legally binding agreement with the Cosmic Complaints Department (“We,” “Us,” “The Management,” or “Those Responsible for This Magnificent Chaos”).

1.2 Multiversal Coverage

These terms apply to:

• All interactions with our Vampire Dental Practice
• Consultations with our Time Traveler Verification Bureau
• Services from our Existential Crisis Coaching Practice
• Any attempt to contact our Paranoia Validation Services (they already know you’re thinking about it)
• Enrollment in our Mermaid Swimming Lessons
• All other impossible services detailed on our website

2.1 What We Provide (Sort Of)

Cosmic Complaints operates as the universe’s unofficial suggestion box, providing completely fictional solutions to reality’s design flaws. Our services include but are not limited to:

1. Complaint Processing: We will record your grievances about universal design flaws with a 0.0000001% success rate of actual resolution
2. Interdimensional Customer Service: Our representatives exist in quantum superposition, simultaneously helping and not helping you
3. Reality Bug Reports: Documentation of when physics stops working properly (current backlog: 14.7 billion years)
4. Existential Support: Meaningless platitudes delivered with cosmic authority
5. Time Anomaly Investigation: Using methods that haven’t been invented yet

2.2 Service Availability & Interdimensional Access

Our services are available 24/7/365 across all timelines, with the following exceptions:

• During cosmic events (Big Bang, heat death, reality reboots)
• When the universe is experiencing scheduled maintenance
• During interdimensional staff meetings (held in dimensions where meeting productivity exceeds 0%)
• Whenever Mercury is in retrograde (affects our quantum servers)

3.1 Filing Complaints Responsibly

When filing complaints about universal design flaws, users must:

1. Provide detailed descriptions of reality malfunctions (screenshots of physics failures welcome)
2. Acknowledge that most problems are features, not bugs
3. Accept that complaint resolution may take longer than the current age of the universe
4. Understand that our Left Sock Disappearance Investigation Unit operates on cosmic time scales

3.2 Prohibited Uses

Users may NOT use our services for:

• Actually expecting results
• Attempting to contact real customer service (we don’t know where to find them either)
• Filing complaints about these Terms of Service (complaints about complaints are handled by our Drama Queen Dethronement Service)
• Trying to cancel subscriptions to existence (contact your local philosophy department)
• Using our Conspiracy Theory Debunking Hotline to actually debunk conspiracy theories

4.1 Accepted Forms of Payment

We accept the following currencies across all dimensions:

• Dark Matter: Our preferred currency (exchange rate fluctuates with universal expansion)
• Existential Dread: Current market rate: 1 dread unit = 0.3 complaint resolutions
• Temporal Paradoxes: Must be original, no bootleg paradoxes accepted
• Bitcoin from Parallel Universes: Where cryptocurrency actually has value
• Pocket Lint: From dimensions where lint is the primary medium of exchange
• Soul Fragments: For premium services (3 easy payments of your eternal essence)

4.2 Refund Policy

Refunds are available under the following circumstances:

1. When the universe achieves perfect customer service (expected date: never)
2. If our Unicorn Breeding Program produces actual unicorns
3. Upon successful completion of our Zombie Apocalypse Prep Consulting (must survive apocalypse to claim refund)
4. If reality stops glitching for more than 24 consecutive hours

5.1 Service Effectiveness Disclaimer

We make no warranties regarding:

• The existence of our staff (they may be elaborate hallucinations)
• The functionality of our Reality Glitch Reporter
• The accuracy of our Inner Monologue Translation Service
• Whether our Nemesis Matchmaking Service will find you an appropriate arch-enemy
• The safety of our Flat Earth Tourism Board edge-of-the-world excursions

5.2 Limitation of Liability

The Cosmic Complaints Department shall not be liable for:

1. Existential crises resulting from our services (consult our Existential Crisis Coaching Practice)
2. Time paradoxes created during interactions with our Time Traveler Verification Bureau
3. Dental complications from our Vampire Dental Practice
4. Drowning incidents during Mermaid Swimming Lessons
5. Confirmed paranoid thoughts validated by our Paranoia Validation Services
6. Reality malfunctions caused by filing too many complaints simultaneously
7. Universal heat death (scheduled for approximately 10^100 years from now, not our fault)

6.1 Information We Collect

We collect the following information across all dimensions:

• Your complaints about reality’s design flaws
• Quantum signatures from your dimensional existence
• Probability clouds of your potential future complaints
• Existential dread levels (for payment processing)
• Time-space coordinates of your last known location
• Dream sequences involving our Dream Sequel Production Company

6.2 How We Use Your Information

We use collected information to:

1. File your complaints in the cosmic suggestion box (location: between dimensions 4 and 5)
2. Match you with appropriate services (our Nemesis Matchmaking Service requires detailed personality profiling)
3. Generate statistics that make our services sound more impressive
4. Feed our quantum AI complaint-processing algorithms
5. Improve our customer service (success rate: still 0%)

6.3 Data Sharing & Third-Party Disclosure

We may share your information with:

• The Universe’s Customer Service Department (when we find them)
• Parallel versions of yourself (for cross-dimensional complaint verification)
• Our Parallel Universe Tour Guide services
• Cosmic entities who find your complaints entertaining
• Future archaeologists studying the decline of customer service standards

7.1 Ownership of Complaints

By filing a complaint with us, you grant Cosmic Complaints:

1. Perpetual rights to ignore your complaint across all universes
2. Permission to categorize your grievance as “user error”
3. Rights to use your complaint as inspiration for new impossible services
4. Authority to forward your complaint to parallel universe versions of yourself

7.2 Trademark Information

The following are registered trademarks of Cosmic Complaints Department:

• “Where Mundane Meets Infinite”™
• “Customer Service So Bad, It’s Cosmic”™
• “Complaints: Now With 100% More Futility”™
• “Interdimensional Bureaucracy At Its Finest”™
• All service names including but not limited to our Vampire Dental Practice™

8.1 Complaint About Complaints Process

If you have complaints about our complaint-handling process:

1. File a meta-complaint using our Professional Drama Queen Dethronement Service
2. Wait for our response (estimated time: heat death of universe + 6 weeks)
3. Accept that complaining about complaints creates infinite recursion
4. Contemplate the cosmic irony of the situation

8.2 Arbitration Procedures

Arbitration proceedings will be conducted:

• In the neutral dimension between reality and imagination
• Using cosmic law (which changes based on observer effect)
• With translators for beings who communicate through interpretive dance
• Under the jurisdiction of whichever universe has the most reasonable laws of physics that day

9.1 Account Termination

We reserve the right to terminate your account if:

• You actually expect our services to work
• You successfully contact the universe’s real customer service department
• You solve any universal design flaws on your own
• Our Paranoia Validation Services confirm you’re not paranoid enough
• You graduate from our Existential Crisis Coaching Practice with a sense of purpose

9.2 Service Discontinuation

Services may be temporarily suspended during:

1. Universal software updates (Reality OS 3.0 is still in beta)
2. Interdimensional staff retreats
3. Cosmic events affecting quantum server stability
4. When our Time Traveler Verification Bureau creates temporal paradoxes

10.1 Applicable Law

These Terms of Service are governed by:

• The Universal Code of Cosmic Bureaucracy (Revision 14.7 billion)
• Interdimensional Customer Service Regulations (when they exist)
• The Laws of Physics (subject to change without notice)
• Common sense (rarely applicable)
• The fundamental principle that customer service should exist but doesn’t

10.2 Jurisdiction & Venue

Legal proceedings must be conducted in:

1. The Court of Cosmic Justice (Dimension 7.5, Reality Sector B)
2. Before judges who understand interdimensional law
3. Using evidence that exists in quantum superposition
4. With jury selection from all sentient species across the multiverse

11.1 Amendment Process

We reserve the right to modify these terms:

• Whenever universal constants change
• When we discover better ways to avoid helping customers
• If the laws of physics receive major updates
• When our Time Traveler Verification Bureau reports legal changes from the future
• At the whim of cosmic bureaucrats

11.2 Notification of Changes

We will notify you of changes by:

1. Quantum entanglement with your consciousness
2. Subliminal messages during your interactions with our Dream Sequel Production Company
3. Telepathic broadcasts from our interdimensional legal team
4. Traditional methods (email, if we remember)